Andy Kindler Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over. -Andy Kindler
now-we-have-two-choices-in-life-have-sex-with-same-person-forever-risk-terminal-disease-either-way-your-life-is-over-andy-kindler
I was recently voted best standup never to win a major. -Andy Kindler
i-was-recently-voted-best-standup-never-to-win-major-andy-kindler
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks. -Andy Kindler
larry-cable-guy-has-signed-deal-with-cracker-barrel-not-store-he-signed-deal-with-barrel-full-angry-rednecks-andy-kindler
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery. -Andy Kindler
dave-rath-is-recovering-a-month-ago-he-had-hip-pocket-replacement-surgery-andy-kindler
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles. -Andy Kindler
bj-novak-gets-perseverance-award-for-graduating-from-harvard-being-unemployed-for-entire-plane-ride-to-los-angeles-andy-kindler
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis. -Andy Kindler
i-dont-really-know-whats-wrong-with-jay-leno-i-dont-have-training-to-make-professional-diagnosis-andy-kindler
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole. -Andy Kindler
maybe-bill-maher-should-just-practice-his-monologue-few-times-before-show-he-wouldnt-find-it-hilarious-but-i-kid-asshole-andy-kindler
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch. -Andy Kindler
whenever-i-watch-beginning-jimmy-fallon-i-feel-like-i-should-sue-roots-for-bait-switch-andy-kindler
Milk should be refrigerated even before opening. -Andy Kindler
milk-should-be-refrigerated-even-before-opening-andy-kindler
I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence. -Andy Kindler
i-do-have-insecurities-i-dont-know-if-you-can-tell-im-not-brimming-with-confidence-andy-kindler
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle. -Andy Kindler
my-cats-fully-capable-speaking-but-he-says-hes-afraid-me-turning-it-into-kevin-james-vehicle-andy-kindler
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame. -Andy Kindler
i-believe-at-end-my-career-ill-be-retired-into-recurring-character-hall-fame-andy-kindler
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly. -Andy Kindler
im-on-show-called-wizards-wavery-place-i-like-it-but-im-unable-to-convince-my-tivo-that-i-wouldnt-also-like-icarly-andy-kindler
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel. -Andy Kindler
comedy-central-made-their-own-awards-show-they-were-named-best-comedy-channel-andy-kindler
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory. -Andy Kindler
i-believe-conspiracy-theories-are-part-larger-conspiracy-to-distract-us-from-real-conspiracy-string-theory-andy-kindler
I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment. -Andy Kindler
i-dont-think-theres-anything-craig-ferguson-could-say-that-would-make-me-laugh-adlibbing-is-not-same-as-entertainment-andy-kindler
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust. -Andy Kindler
im-sorry-ashamed-to-report-that-im-not-actually-jew-i-was-pretending-to-be-jew-to-minimize-holocaust-andy-kindler
You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza. -Andy Kindler
you-cant-go-wrong-with-pizza-unless-its-terrible-pizza
My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage. -Andy Kindler
my-favorite-comedians-are-basically-themselves-onstage
'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.' -Andy Kindler
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I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him. -Andy Kindler
im-not-really-in-louis-cks-circle-itd-probably-be-harder-if-we-were-really-close-i-went-off-on-him
Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact. -Andy Kindler
jimmy-fallon-is-handsome-this-is-indisputable-fact
I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold. -Andy Kindler
i-wanted-to-like-up-in-air-i-like-jason-reitman-but-vera-farmiga-left-me-cold
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