Andy Kindler Quotes

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Now we have two choices in life: have sex with the same person forever or risk a terminal disease. Either way, your life is over. -Andy Kindler
I was recently voted best standup never to win a major. -Andy Kindler
Larry the Cable Guy has signed a deal with Cracker Barrel. Not the store. He signed a deal with a barrel full of angry rednecks. -Andy Kindler
Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery. -Andy Kindler
BJ Novak gets the Perseverance Award for graduating from Harvard and being unemployed for the entire plane ride to Los Angeles. -Andy Kindler
I don't really know what's wrong with Jay Leno. I don't have the training to make a professional diagnosis. -Andy Kindler
Maybe Bill Maher should just practice his monologue a few times before the show, so he wouldn't find it so hilarious. But I kid the asshole. -Andy Kindler
Whenever I watch the beginning of Jimmy Fallon, I feel like I should sue the Roots for bait and switch. -Andy Kindler
Milk should be refrigerated even before opening. -Andy Kindler
I do have insecurities. I don't know if you can tell. I'm not brimming with confidence. -Andy Kindler
My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle. -Andy Kindler
I believe at the end of my career I'll be retired into the recurring character hall of fame. -Andy Kindler
I'm on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I'm unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn't also like iCarly. -Andy Kindler
Comedy Central made their own awards show. They were named best comedy channel. -Andy Kindler
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory. -Andy Kindler
I don't think there's anything Craig Ferguson could say that would make me laugh. Ad-libbing is not the same as entertainment. -Andy Kindler
I'm sorry and ashamed to report that I'm not actually a Jew. I was pretending to be a Jew to minimize the holocaust. -Andy Kindler
You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza. -Andy Kindler
My favorite comedians are basically themselves onstage. -Andy Kindler
'The Graduate' should have won best picture over 'In the Heat of the Night.' -Andy Kindler
I'm not really in Louis CK's circle. It'd probably be harder if we were really close and I went off on him. -Andy Kindler
Jimmy Fallon is handsome. This is an indisputable fact. -Andy Kindler
I wanted to like 'Up in the Air' - I like Jason Reitman - but Vera Farmiga left me cold. -Andy Kindler
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