Artie Lange Quotes

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Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time. -Artie Lange
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. -Artie Lange
I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate. -Artie Lange
That was always a dream of mine, -Artie Lange
You haven't lived till you've played Scrabble in a psych ward. -Artie Lange
I quit drinking, and I figure if I go to ten Yankee games this year without drinking I'll save $32,000. -Artie Lange
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem. -Artie Lange
When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life. -Artie Lange
Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose. -Artie Lange
For a degenerate like me, Vegas is like a walk down memory lane. Last time I went to Vegas, I went to my old coke dealer's kid's bar mitzvah. -Artie Lange
I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good. -Artie Lange
'Course the world of sports takes itself way too serious. Sports writers are all high and mighty. -Artie Lange
Everytime I go to Vegas, I seem to incur some kind of fine. -Artie Lange
A weekend in Vegas without gambling and drinking is just like being a born-again Christian. -Artie Lange
If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it? -Artie Lange
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota -Artie Lange
Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself. -Artie Lange
I wish I was this dark genius artist - like Richard Pryor or something. -Artie Lange
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything. -Artie Lange
I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I got kicked off it because of possession of cocaine. -Artie Lange
Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy. -Artie Lange
Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing. -Artie Lange
I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs. -Artie Lange
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. -Artie Lange
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me. -Artie Lange
I used to be a longshoreman. I didn't go to college. I have a voice that when I say something, it can sound way meaner than you think it is. -Artie Lange
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. -Artie Lange
It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this. -Artie Lange
I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale. -Artie Lange
The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life? -Artie Lange
Whiskey will always be a part of my life. -Artie Lange
I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say. -Artie Lange
You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey you get the lacrosse scores?' -Artie Lange
To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. -Artie Lange
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