Emo Philips Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. -Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. -Emo Philips
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. -Emo Philips
When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas. -Emo Philips
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. -Emo Philips
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' -Emo Philips
People always ask me,
Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil. -Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. -Emo Philips
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks. -Emo Philips
Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are -Emo Philips
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. -Emo Philips
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. -Emo Philips
I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. -Emo Philips
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend. -Emo Philips
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this. -Emo Philips
People come up to me and say,
I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them. -Emo Philips
I ran three miles today. Finally I said,
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. -Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself. -Emo Philips
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'. -Emo Philips
Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me. -Emo Philips
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