Frank Carson Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man. -Frank Carson
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance. -Frank Carson
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? -Frank Carson
It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me. -Frank Carson
So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'. -Frank Carson
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night. -Frank Carson
A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself. -Frank Carson
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed. -Frank Carson
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was. -Frank Carson
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says:
The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off? -Frank Carson
I said to the waitress,
Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said:
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon. -Frank Carson
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said:
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish. -Frank Carson
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist. -Frank Carson
My idea for peace in the Middle East is to go back to the 1966 line, but to build even more houses for the Palestinians, who are a poor people. -Frank Carson
A man walks into a pet shop and says:
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.' -Frank Carson
A man says to his mate:
Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once and he drank it! -Frank Carson
A man up in front of a judge says
This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober. -Frank Carson
Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list? -Frank Carson
People in Northern Ireland vote for their church, they don't vote with their heads; it is ridiculous. -Frank Carson
The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided. -Frank Carson
America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million. -Frank Carson
Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish. -Frank Carson
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