For the hundredth time tonight, I'm back with Lulu, on Jacques's barge, the improbably named Viola. She'd just toldme the story of double happiness and we were arguing over the meaning. She'd thought it meant the luck of the boy getting the job and the girl. But I'd disagreed. It was the couplet fitting together, the two halves finding each other. It was love. But maybe we were both wrong, and both right. It's not either or, not luck or love. Not fate or will. Maybe for double happiness, you need both.
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And this is the truth. Because I may be only eighteen, but it already seems pretty obvious that the world is divided into two groups: the doers and the watchers. The people things happen to and the rest of us, who just sort of plod on with things. The Lulus and the Allysons. It never occurred to me that by pretending to be Lulu, I might slip into that other column, even for just a day.
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Sleep would be so welcome. A warm blanket of black to erase everything else. Sleep without dreams. I've heard people talk about the sleep of the dead. Is that what death would feel like? The nicest, warmest, heaviest never-ending nap? If that's what it's like, I wouldn't mind. If that's what dying is like, I wouldn't mind that at all.
If you stay, I'll do whatever you want. I'll quit the band, go with you to New York. But if you need me to go away, I'll do that, too. I was talking to Liz and she said maybe coming back to your old life would be too painful, that maybe it'd be easier for you to erase us. And that would suck, but I'd do it. I can lose you like that if I don't lose you today. I'll let you go. If you stay.
Sometimes fate or life or whatever you want to call it, leaves a door a little open and you walk through it. But sometimes it locks the door and you have to find the key, or pick the lock, or knock the damn thing down. And sometimes, it doesn't even show you the door, and you have to build it yourself. But if you keep waiting for the doors to be opened for you... I think you'll have a hard time finding single happiness, let alone that double portion.
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Why wasn't I nicer to Alice? When she has been nothing but sweet to me? When I actually like her? I know I should say something to her, but before I can find the words, she's tooting her horn and disappearing down the street. I wave until she turns the corner. And as I watch another person drive out of here to some better place, I understand exactly why I wasn't nicer.
I clap so that I can hold on to this feeling. I clap because I know what will happen when I stop. It's the same thing that happens when I turn off a really good movie - one that I've lost myself to - which is that I'll be thrown back to my own reality and something hollow will settle in my chest.
Quitting's not hard. Deciding to quit is hard. Once you make that mental leap, the rest is easy.' 'Really? Was that how you quit me?' And just like that, without thinking, without saying it in my head first, without arguing with myself for days, it's out there. 'So, ' she says, as if speaking to an audience under the bridge. 'He finally says it.
Sente que el calor iba subiendome por el cuello y que me ruborizaba. Clave la vista en mis zapatos. Sabea que Adam me estaba mirando, y tambien que si alzaba los ojos me besarea. Y me sorprendio lo mucho que deseaba ese beso, darme cuenta de que lo habea pensado tan a menudo que incluso habea memorizado la forma exacta de sus labios, e imaginado que le acariciaba el hoyuelo de la mejilla con el dedo. Levante los ojos, parpadeando. Adam estaba esperando. Ase fue como todo empezo.
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Sleepovers and dance parties and those talks we would have until three in the morning that would make us feel lousy the next day because we'd slept like hell but also feel good because the talks were like blood transfusions, moments of realness and hope that were pinpricks of light in the dark fabric of small-town life.