George Carlin Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
frisbeetarianism-is-the-belief-that-when-you-die-your-soul-goes-up-on-the-roof-and-gets-stuck
electricity-is-really-just-organized-lightning
when-you-step-on-the-brakes-your-life-is-in-your-foots-hands
religion-is-just-mind-control
the-other-night-i-ate-at-a-real-nice-family-restaurant-every-table-had-an-argument-going
well-if-crime-fighters-fight-crime-and-fire-fighters-fight-fire-what-do-freedom-fighters-fight-they-never-mention-that-part-to-us-do-they
theres-no-present-theres-only-the-immediate-future-and-the-recent-past
you-know-the-good-part-about-all-those-executions-in-texas-fewer-texans
most-people-work-just-hard-enough-not-to-get-fired-and-get-paid-just-enough-money-not-to-quit
dont-sweat-the-petty-things-and-dont-pet-the-sweaty-things
just-cause-you-got-the-monkey-off-your-back-doesnt-mean-the-circus-has-left-town
the-caterpillar-does-all-the-work-but-the-butterfly-gets-all-the-publicity
when-i-was-a-kid-if-a-guy-got-killed-in-a-western-movie-i-always-wondered-who-got-his-horse
i-have-as-much-authority-as-the-pope-i-just-dont-have-as-many-people-who-believe-it
baseball-is-the-only-major-sport-that-appears-backward-in-a-mirror
just-think-of-how-stupid-the-average-person-is-and-then-realize-half-of-them-are-even-stupider
some-national-parks-have-long-waiting-lists-for-camping-reservations-when-you-have-to-wait-a-year-to-sleep-next-to-a-tree-something-is-wrong
if-a-man-smiles-all-the-time-hes-probably-selling-something-that-doesnt-work
let-a-smile-be-your-umbrella-and-youll-end-up-with-a-face-full-of-rain
if-you-think-theres-a-solution-youre-part-of-the-problem
some-people-see-the-glass-half-full-others-see-it-half-empty-i-see-a-glass-thats-twice-as-big-as-it-needs-to-be
when-i-got-out-of-high-school-they-retired-my-jersey-but-it-was-for-hygiene-and-sanitary-reasons
i-do-this-real-moron-thing-its-called-thinking-and-im-not-a-very-good-amercian-because-i-like-to-form-my-own-opionions
people-who-say-they-dont-care-what-people-think-are-usually-desperate-to-have-people-think-they-dont-care-what-people-think
religion-is-like-a-pair-of-shoes-find-one-that-fits-for-you-but-dont-make-me-wear-your-shoes
the-reason-i-talk-to-myself-is-because-im-the-only-one-whose-answers-i-accept
were-having-something-a-little-different-this-year-for-thanksgiving-instead-of-a-turkey-were-having-a-swan-you-get-more-stuffing
most-people-with-low-selfesteem-have-earned-it
isnt-it-a-bit-unnerving-that-doctors-call-what-they-do-practice
one-good-reason-to-only-maintain-a-small-circle-of-friends-is-that-three-out-of-four-murders-are-committed-by-people-who-know-the-victim
if-a-movie-is-described-as-a-romantic-comedy-you-can-usually-find-me-next-door-playing-pinball
i-couldnt-commit-suicide-if-my-life-depended-on-it
those-who-dance-are-considered-insane-by-those-who-cannot-hear-the-music
one-tequila-two-tequila-three-tequila-floor
there-are-nights-when-the-wolves-are-silent-and-only-the-moon-howls
the-more-syllables-a-euphemism-has-the-further-divorced-from-reality-it-is
atheism-is-a-nonprophet-organization
marry-an-orphan-youll-never-have-to-spend-boring-holidays-with-the-inlaws
i-put-a-dollar-in-one-of-those-change-machines-nothing-changed
have-you-ever-noticed-anybody-going-slower-than-you-is-an-idiot-and-anyone-going-faster-than-you-is-a-maniac
why-is-there-so-much-controversy-about-drug-testing-i-know-plenty-of-guys-who-would-be-willing-to-test-any-drug-they-could-come-up-with
the-day-after-tomorrow-is-the-third-day-of-the-rest-of-your-life
the-religious-right-dislikes-both-abortions-and-homosexuality-but-who-has-fewer-abortions-than-gays
i-remember-when-i-was-a-kid-i-used-to-come-home-from-sunday-school-and-my-mother-would-get-drunk-and-try-to-make-pancakes
i-would-never-want-to-be-a-member-of-a-group-whose-symbol-was-a-guy-nailed-to-two-pieces-of-wood
weve-cleaned-up-air-but-polluted-soul-george-carlin
life-is-not-that-complicated-george-carlin
life-is-sacred-who-said-god-hey-if-you-read-history-you-realize-that-god-is-one-leading-causes-death-george-carlin
the-only-person-who-is-with-us-our-entire-life-is-ourselves-george-carlin
may-you-all-make-it-to-healthy-100-half-george-carlin
can-placebos-cause-side-effects-if-are-side-effects-real-george-carlin
you-show-me-something-that-doesnt-cause-cancer-ill-show-you-something-that-isnt-on-market-yet-george-carlin
its-never-just-game-when-youre-winning-george-carlin
no-one-ever-says-its-only-game-when-their-team-is-winning-george-carlin
number-one-one-one-on-wonderful-wino-george-carlin
as-powerful-as-anyone-may-claim-god-to-be-somehow-he-always-needs-money-george-carlin
think-how-stupid-average-person-is-realize-half-them-are-stupider-than-that-george-carlin
some-people-think-glass-as-half-full-some-people-think-glass-as-half-empty-i-think-glass-as-too-big-george-carlin
because-we-were-poor-area-school-had-small-budget-was-unable-to-teach-second-half-alphabet-george-carlin
we-spend-early-years-feeding-our-brains-with-information-latter-half-trying-not-to-think-about-it-all-george-carlin
how-old-are-you-im-four-half-youre-never-thirtysix-half-youre-four-half-going-on-five-thats-key-george-carlin
a-crumb-is-great-thing-if-you-break-crumb-in-half-you-dont-get-two-halfcrumbs-you-get-two-crumbs-doesnt-that-violate-some-law-physics-george-carlin
in-america-anyone-can-become-president-thats-problem-george-carlin
in-united-states-anybody-can-be-president-thats-problem-george-carlin
president-george-bush-declared-national-day-prayer-for-peace-this-was-after-he-had-carefully-arranged-started-war-george-carlin
life-is-series-dogs-george-carlin
life-is-not-measured-by-breathes-you-take-but-by-moments-that-take-your-breathe-away-george-carlin
life-is-neardeath-experience-george-carlin
life-is-tough-then-you-die-george-carlin
life-is-zero-sum-game-george-carlin
regarding-fitness-craze-america-has-lost-its-soul-now-its-trying-to-save-its-body-george-carlin