Henny Youngman Quotes

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Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -Henny Youngman
if-youre-going-to-do-something-tonight-that-youll-be-sorry-for-tomorrow-morning-sleep-late
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. -Henny Youngman
if-at-first-you-dont-succeed-so-much-for-skydiving
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman
the-secret-of-a-happy-marriage-remains-a-secret
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. -Henny Youngman
ive-been-in-love-with-the-same-woman-for-fortyone-years-if-my-wife-finds-out-shell-kill-me
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car. -Henny Youngman
i-know-a-man-who-doesnt-pay-to-have-his-trash-taken-out-how-does-he-get-rid-of-his-trash-he-gift-wraps-it-and-puts-in-into-an-unlocked-car
My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash. -Henny Youngman
my-brother-was-a-lifeguard-in-a-car-wash
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays. -Henny Youngman
i-once-wanted-to-become-an-atheist-but-i-gave-up-they-have-no-holidays
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays. -Henny Youngman
when-i-told-my-doctor-i-couldnt-afford-an-operation-he-offered-to-touchup-my-xrays
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student. -Henny Youngman
a-selftaught-man-usually-has-a-poor-teacher-and-a-worse-student
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport. -Henny Youngman
just-got-back-from-a-pleasure-trip-i-took-my-motherinlaw-to-the-airport
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. -Henny Youngman
i-take-my-wife-everywhere-but-she-keeps-finding-her-way-back
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -Henny Youngman
when-i-read-about-the-evils-of-drinking-i-gave-up-reading
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering. -Henny Youngman
why-dont-jews-drink-it-interferes-with-their-suffering
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery. -Henny Youngman
you-look-like-a-talent-scout-for-a-cemetery
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I wont be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. -Henny Youngman
someone-stole-all-my-credit-cards-but-i-wont-be-reporting-it-the-thief-spends-less-than-my-wife-did
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. -Henny Youngman
a-jewish-woman-had-2-chickens-one-got-sick-so-the-woman-made-chicken-soup-out-of-the-other-one-to-help-the-sick-one-get-well
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. -Henny Youngman
my-other-brotherinlaw-died-he-was-a-karate-expert-then-joined-the-army-the-first-time-he-saluted-he-killed-himself
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please. -Henny Youngman
payday-at-my-house-is-like-academy-awards-my-wife-says-may-i-have-envelope-please-henny-youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman
when-you-battle-with-your-conscience-lose-you-win-henny-youngman
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live. -Henny Youngman
some-people-play-horse-to-win-some-to-place-i-should-have-bet-this-horse-to-live-henny-youngman
I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange. -Henny Youngman
i-love-christmas-i-receive-lot-wonderful-presents-i-cant-wait-to-exchange-henny-youngman
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad. -Henny Youngman
ive-got-two-wonderful-children-two-out-five-isnt-too-bad-henny-youngman
I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn't come in until half-past five. -Henny Youngman
i-bet-on-horse-at-tentoone-it-didnt-come-in-until-halfpast-five-henny-youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City? -Henny Youngman
my-dad-was-town-drunk-most-time-thats-not-bad-but-new-york-city-henny-youngman
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail. -Henny Youngman
the-hotel-im-in-has-lovely-closet-a-nail-henny-youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998) -Henny Youngman
when-you-battle-with-your-conscience-lose-you-win-henny-youngman-comedian-violinist-19061998-henny-youngman
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas. -Henny Youngman
if-you-had-your-life-to-live-over-again-do-it-overseas-henny-youngman
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby. -Henny Youngman
i-had-nightmare-last-night-i-dreamed-dolly-parton-was-my-mother-i-was-bottle-baby-henny-youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. -Henny Youngman
americans-are-getting-stronger-twenty-years-ago-it-took-two-people-to-carry-ten-dollars-worth-groceries-today-fiveyearold-can-do-it-henny-youngman
I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions. -Henny Youngman
i-know-what-im-giving-up-for-lent-my-new-years-resolutions-henny-youngman
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator. -Henny Youngman
my-wife-will-buy-anything-marked-down-last-year-she-bought-escalator-henny-youngman
His motto is
his-motto-is-love-thy-neighbor-his-neighbor-is-18-year-old-hooker-henny-youngman
I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed? -Henny Youngman
ive-been-married-for-49-years-where-have-i-failed-henny-youngman
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing for years. -Henny Youngman
who-says-nothing-is-impossible-ive-been-doing-nothing-for-years-henny-youngman
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up. -Henny Youngman
a-polish-man-had-his-vasectomy-done-at-sears-now-when-he-makes-love-garage-door-goes-up-henny-youngman
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink. -Henny Youngman
college-a-fountain-knowledge-where-all-go-to-drink-henny-youngman
She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says,
she-must-have-egyptian-blood-every-time-i-try-to-kiss-her-she-says-tut-tut-henny-youngman
He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face. -Henny Youngman
he-is-only-man-i-ever-met-with-seersucker-face-henny-youngman
Now, the band that inspired that great saying,
now-band-that-inspired-that-great-saying-stop-the-music-henny-youngman
This man dresses like an unmade bed. -Henny Youngman
this-man-dresses-like-unmade-bed-henny-youngman
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. -Henny Youngman
shes-bighearted-girl-with-hips-to-match-henny-youngman
Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. -Henny Youngman
those-two-are-fastidious-couple-shes-fast-hes-hideous-henny-youngman
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside. -Henny Youngman
two-kangaroos-were-talking-to-each-other-one-said-i-hope-it-doesnt-rain-today-i-hate-it-when-children-play-inside-henny-youngman
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