It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did speak English.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.
recall quotesmister quotesbarnslow quotesmorning quotesnailing quotesfresh quotesload quotestadpoles quotesboard quoteshed quotesspin quotesround quotesround quoteswheel quotesfortune quotesmatter quotesstopped quotesyell quotestadpoles quotestadpoles quoteswinner quotesthought quotescrazy quotesgrowing quotes
Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."
I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when someone kills someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
guess quoteskinda quoteslost quotescontrol quotesmiddle quotesplay quotesran quoteslit quotesevil quotespuppet quotesvillain quotesfire quoteskidding quotesillustrate quoteshuman quotesemotions quotesfreaking quotesemotion quotesgreed quoteskills quotesmoney quotesgenerosity quotespay quotesdouble quotespaid quotesstupid quotespuppet quotes
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, 'Dust to dust,' some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, 'I'll be waiting for you in heaven-with a gun.
cowboy quotesmister quotesloved quotesland quotesmade quoteswoman quotesdirt quotesmarried quoteskissed quotesdisintegrated quotesfuneral quotespreacher quotesdust quotesdust quotespeople quoteslaughed quotescowboy quotesshot quoteshanging quotestold quotesill quoteswaiting quotesheavenwith quotesgun quotes
Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...
life quotesquiet quotesforest quotespool quotesdirect quoteshit quotesbig quotesrock quoteshalfburied quotesground quotespull quotespull quotesgive quotesgood quoteskick quoteslose quotesbalance quotesskidding quoteshill quotespool quoteshawaiian quotesman quotesscrewing quoteswife quotespool quotesthought quotesreal quotespretty quotestells quotesstart quotesfaking quotestalking quoteshawaiian quotesmad quoteschases quotes
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'
Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?
driving quotesbig quotescement quotestruck quotesvalve quotestruck quotessuddenly quotesopen quotesspilling quotescar quotesencasing quotesinside quotesleaving quotesslowly quotesfall quotesoxygendeprived quotescoma quotesawaken quotesyears quotesfind quoteswife quotesremarried quotesfriend quotesparanoid quotesodds quoteshappening quotes
I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold." And I'd say, "well, that was easy." Good joke, huh?
lived quotesback quoteswest quotesdays quotessave quotesmoney quotestwenty quotesyears quotesbuy quotessolidgold quotespick quoteswest quotesstart quotesdigging quotesgold quotesasked quotesgold quotesya quotesdurn quotesfool quoteshed quotespick quotesgold quoteseasy quotesgood quotesjoke quoteshuh quotes
If aliens from outer space ever come and we show them our civilization and they make fun of it, we should say we were just kidding, that this isn't really our civilization, but a gag we hoped they would like. Then we tell them to come back in twenty years to see our REAL civilization. After that, we start a crash program of coming up with an impressive new civilization. Either that, or just shoot down the aliens as they're waving good-bye.
aliens quotesouter quotesspace quotesshow quotescivilization quotesmake quotesfun quoteskidding quotescivilization quotesgag quoteshoped quotesback quotestwenty quotesyears quotesreal quotescivilization quotesstart quotescrash quotesprogram quotescoming quotesimpressive quotesshoot quoteswaving quotesgoodbye quotes
The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.
town quoteslaughed quotesgreatgrandfather quotesworked quoteshard quotessaved quotesmoney quotestrue quotesworking quoteshardware quotesstore quotespay quotesfelt quotesvolcano quotescollect quotesgold quotesnuggets quotesshot quotesday quotesturned quotesforty quotesyears quotespetered quotesleft quotestown quotesbroke quotesfinally quotesdecided quotesbroke quotesleg quotesdoctors quotesbills quotesreal quoteshigh quotes