I had had the job for three weeks. It was dreary. You couldn't read; they didn't like it. I would feel as if I were drugged, sitting there, watching those damned dolls, thinking what a success they would have made of their lives if they had been women. Satin skin, silk hair, velvet eyes, sawdust heart - all complete.
Very soon she'll join all the others who know the secret and will not tell it. Or cannot. Or try and fail because they do not know enough. They can be recognized. White faces, dazed eyes, aimless gestures, high-pitched laughter. The way they walk and talk and scream or try to kill (themselves or you) if you laugh back at them. Yes, they've got to be watched. For the time comes when they try to kill, then disappear. But others are waiting to take their places, it's a long, long line. She's one of them. I too can wait-for the day when she is only a memory to be avoided, locked away, and like all memories a legend. Or a lie...
shell quotesjoin quotessecret quotesfail quotesrecognized quoteswhite quotesfaces quotesdazed quoteseyes quotesaimless quotesgestures quoteshighpitched quoteslaughter quoteswalk quotestalk quotesscream quoteskill quoteslaugh quotesback quoteswatched quotestime quoteskill quotesdisappear quoteswaiting quotesplaces quoteslong quoteslong quotesline quotesshes quoteswaitfor quotesday quotesmemory quotesavoided quoteslocked quotesmemories quoteslegend quoteslie quotes
She spent the foggy day in endless, aimless walking, for it seemed to her that if she moved quickly enough she would escape the fear that hunted her. It was a vague and shadowy fear of something cruel and stupid that had caught her and would never let her go. She had always known that it was there - hidden under the more of less pleasant surface of things. Always. Ever since she was a child. You could argue about hunger or cold or loneliness, but with that fear you couldn't argue. It went too deep. You were too mysteriously sure of its terror. You could only walk very fast and try to leave it behind you.
spent quotesfoggy quotesday quotesendless quotesaimless quoteswalking quotesmoved quotesquickly quotesescape quotesfear quoteshunted quotesvague quotesshadowy quotescruel quotesstupid quotescaught quoteshidden quotespleasant quotessurface quotesthings quoteschild quotesargue quoteshunger quotescold quotesloneliness quotesargue quotesdeep quotesmysteriously quotesterror quoteswalk quotesfast quotesleave quotes
Well, that was the end of me, the real end. Two pound ten every Tuesday and a room of the Gray's Inn Road. Saved, rescued and with my place to hide in - what more did I want? I crept in and hid. The lid of the coffin shut down with a bang. Now I no longer wish to be loved, beautiful, happy or successful. I want one thing and one thing only - to be left alone. No more pawings, no more pryings - leave me alone.
end quotesreal quotesend quotespound quotesten quotestuesday quotesroom quotesgrays quotesinn quotesroad quotessaved quotesrescued quotesplace quoteshide quotescrept quoteshid quoteslid quotescoffin quotesshut quotesbang quoteslonger quotesloved quotesbeautiful quoteshappy quotessuccessful quotesthing quotesleft quotespawings quotespryings quotesleave quotes
These people all fling themselves at me. Because I am uneasy and sad they all fling themselves at me larger than life. But I can put my arm up to avoid the impact and they slide gently to the ground. Individualists, completely wrapped up in themselves, thank God. It's the extrovert, prancing around, dying for a bit of fun - that's the person you've got to be wary of.
people quotesfling quotesuneasy quotessad quoteslarger quoteslife quotesput quotesarm quotesavoid quotesimpact quotesslide quotesgently quotesground quotesindividualists quotescompletely quoteswrapped quotesgod quotesextrovert quotesprancing quotesdying quotesbit quotesfun quotesperson quoteswary quotes
Well, let's argue this out, Mr Blank. You, who represent Society, have the right to pay me four hundred francs a month. That's my market value, for I am an inefficient member of Society, slow in the uptake, uncertain, slightly damaged in the fray, there's no denying it. So you have the right to pay me four hundred francs a month, to lodge me in a small, dark room, to clothe me shabbily, to harass me with worry and monotony and unsatisfied longings till you get me to the point when I blush at a look, cry at a word. We can't all be happy, we can't all be rich, we can't all be lucky - and it would be so much less fun if we were. Isn't it so, Mr Blank? There must be the dark background to show up the bright colours. Some must cry so that the others may be able to laugh the more heartily.
argue quotesmr quotesblank quotesrepresent quotessociety quotespay quoteshundred quotesfrancs quotesmonth quotesmarket quotesinefficient quotesmember quotesslow quotesuptake quotesuncertain quotesslightly quotesdamaged quotesfray quotesdenying quotesmonth quoteslodge quotessmall quotesdark quotesroom quotesclothe quotesshabbily quotesharass quotesworry quotesmonotony quotesunsatisfied quoteslongings quotestill quotespoint quotesblush quotescry quotesword quoteshappy quotesrich quoteslucky quotesfun quotesblank quotesbackground quotesshow quotesbright quotescolours quoteslaugh quotesheartily quotes
You want to know what I'm afraid of? All right, I'll tell you. I'm afraid of men - yes, I'm very much afraid of men. And I'm even more afraid of women. And I'm very much afraid of the whole bloody human race. Afraid of them? Of course I'm afraid of them. Who wouldn't be afraid of a pack of damned hyenas? [... ] And when I say afraid - that's just a word I use. What I really mean is that I hate them. I hate their voices, I hate their eyes, I hate the way they laugh. I hate the whole bloody business. It's cruel, it's idiotic, it's unspeakably horrible. I never had the guts to kill myself or I'd have got out of it long ago.
afraid quotesmen quotesmen quoteswomen quotesbloody quoteshuman quotesrace quotesafraid quotespack quotesdamned quoteshyenas quotesword quoteshate quotesvoices quoteseyes quoteslaugh quotesbusiness quotescruel quotesidiotic quotesunspeakably quoteshorrible quotesguts quoteskill quoteslong quotesago quotes
It was like letting go and falling back into water and seeing yourself grinning up through the water, your face like a mask, and seeing the bubbles coming up as if you were trying to speak from under the water. And how do you know what it's like to try to speak from under water when you're drowned?
The house was burning, the yellow-red sky was like the sunset... Nothing would be left, the golden ferns and the silver ferns, the orchids, the ginger lilies and the roses... When they had finished, there would be nothing left but blackened walls and the mounting stone. That was always left. That could not be stolen or burned.
I watched her die many times. In my way, not in hers. In sunlight, in shadow, by moonlight, by candlelight. In the long afternoons when the house was empty. Only the sun was there to keep us company. We shut him out. And why not? Very soon she was as eager for what's called loving as I was - more lost and drowned afterwards.
But why do you want to talk to me?' He is going to say: 'Because you look so kind,' or 'Because you look so beautiful and kind,' or, subtly, 'Because you look as if you'll understand....' He says: 'Because I think you won't betray me.' I had meant to get this mean to talk to me and tell me all about it, and then be so devastatingly English that perhaps I should manage to hurt him a little in return for all the many times I've been hurt.... 'Because I think you won't betray me, because I think you won't betray me....' Now it won't be so easy.
I hated the mountains and the hills, the rivers and the rain. I hated the sunsets of whatever colour, I hated its beauty and its magic and the secret I would never know. I hated its indifference and the cruelty which was part of its loveliness. Above all I hated her. For she belonged to the magic and the loveliness. She had left me thirsty and all my life would be thirst and longing for what I had lost before I found it.
If she says goodbye perhaps adieu. Adieu - like those old time songs she sang. Always adieu (and all songs say it). If she too says it, or weeps, I'll take her in my arms, my lunatic. She's mad but mine, mine. What will I care for gods or devils or for Fate itself. If she smiles or weeps or both. For me.
I think that the desire to be cruel and to hurt (with words because any other way might be dangerous to ourself) is part of human nature. Parties are battles (most parties), a conversation is a duel (often). Everybody's trying to hurt first, to get in the dig that will make him or her feel superior, feel triumph.