One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don't want to go back to work after lunch. But they're going. That's their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.
The Olympics is my favourite sporting event. Although I have a problem with that silver medal. When you think about it, you win the gold - you feel good, you win the bronze - you think, 'Well at least I got something'. But when you win silver, it's like, 'Congratulations, you 'almost' won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group. You're the number one 'loser.' No one lost ahead of you.
olympics quotesfavourite quotessporting quotesevent quotesproblem quotessilver quotesmedal quoteswin quotesgold quotesfeel quotesgood quotesbronze quoteswell quotessomething quotessilver quotescongratulations quotesalmost quoteswon quoteslosers quotesgroup quotesnumber quotesloser quoteslost quotesahead quotes
Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'
kind quotesphysical quotestest quotescompetitive quotesremember quotesschool quoteshearing quotestests quoteslistening quoteshard quoteswanted quotesunbelievable quotestest quoteswe quotesclose quotessuperhearing quotesheard quotescotton quotesball quotestouching quotespiece quotesfelt quotessending quotesresults quoteswashington quotesmeet quotespresident quotes
Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
life quotesride quotesstrapped quotesstop quotesdoctor quotesslaps quotesripping quotesticket quotesmake quotespassage quotesyouth quotesadulthood quotesmaturity quotesput quotesarms quotesscream quoteshang quotesbar quotesfront quotesride quotesthing quoteshope quotesend quoteslife quoteshairs quotesmessed quotesbreath quotesthrow quotes
Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."
I became aware of autism through some friends who are dealing with it and it is heartbreaking. I wanted to do something to help address this problem and decided to do a show to raise funds for research. I was very impressed with the great work of Autism Speaks. I am happy to join forces with them and Bob and Suzanne Wright to help raise awareness of this prevalent issue.
aware quotesautism quotesfriends quotesdealing quotesheartbreaking quoteswanted quotesaddress quotesproblem quotesdecided quotesshow quotesraise quotesfunds quotesresearch quotesimpressed quotesgreat quoteswork quotesautism quotesspeaks quoteshappy quotesjoin quotesforces quotesbob quotessuzanne quoteswright quotesawareness quotesprevalent quotesissue quotes
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off, I've got the toe clippers right here.
swiss quotesinteresting quotesarmy quoteshundred quotesyears quoteswar quotespretty quotesimpressive quotespretty quoteslucky quotesarmy quotesknife quotesfight quotesweapon quotescorkscrews quotesbottle quotesopeners quotescome quotesbuddy quotespast quotesguy quotesback quotesspoon quotesback quotestoe quotesclippers quotes
A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.
Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.
events quotesolympics quotesmake quotessense quotesunderstand quotesconnection quotesreality quoteswinter quotesbiathlon quotescombines quotescrosscountry quotesskiing quotesshooting quotesgun quotesalpine quotessnipers quotesski quotesshoot quotesgun quotesski quotesbang quotesbang quotescombining quotesswimming quotesstrangling quotesguy quotesmakes quotesabsolutely quotesput quotespeople quotespool quotesend quoteslane quotesswimmers quotes
Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.
birthdays quotessymbolic quotesyear quotesgrown quotesmatter quotesdesperate quotessomeday quotesemerge quotesflicker quotescandles quotescake quotesrest quotessad quoteswretched quotespathetic quoteslives quotesbitter quotesend quotesinevitably quotesirrevocably quoteshappy quotesbirthday quotesthing quotes
I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I'm addicted to the high function. To me it's a work thing -- if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation.
Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.
finally quotesyear quotesbegging quotesparents quotessuperman quoteshalloween quotescostume quotescardboard quotesbox quotesselfmade quotestop quotesmask quotesincluded quotesremember quotesrubber quotesband quotesback quotesmask quotesquality quotesitem quotesgood quotes10 quotesseconds quotessnapped quotescheap quotesstaple quotesput quotes
Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them.
mcdonalds quotescounting quotesinsecure quotescompany quotes40 quotesmillion quotes80 quotesbillion quotesmillion quotesjillion quoteskillion quotestillion quotescares quotesimpressed quotesooh quotes89 quotessold quotessatisfied quotesceo quotesmcdonalds quotessold quoteslot quoteshamburgers quotesnumber quotesput quotessign quotesmcdonalds quoteswell quotestired quoteshearing quotesgoddamn quotes
What is the story with the airport sinks, that they will not give us a twist-on twist-off human faucet. "Is it that too risky for the human population? We have to do the one-handed pain-in-the-ass Alcatraz-style faucets. "What is it they think we will do? Turn 'em all on full, run out into the parking lot, laughing, pushing each other into the bushes?
story quotesairport quotessinks quotesgive quotestwiston quotestwistoff quoteshuman quotesfaucet quotesrisky quotespopulation quotesonehanded quotespainintheass quotesalcatrazstyle quotesfaucets quotesturn quotesem quotesfull quotesrun quotesparking quoteslot quoteslaughing quotespushing quotesbushes quotes
I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything "" social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down that freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, "Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy... Get off here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, "Next exit 27 miles," and he thinks, "I can make it."
Cremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
cremation quotespopular quotesform quotesburial quotesunited quotesstates quotespeople quotesbig quotesthick quotesgranite quotesstone quotesnames quotescarved quoteschisel quotesdammit quotescover quotescrime quotesburn quotesbody quotesscatter quotesashes quotesanyones quotesconcerned quotesthing quoteshappened quotes
They seal the subway change-booth guy up inside this thing with bullet-proof glass, closed in on all sides, it's like some kind of Houdini torture tank of doom. How do you breathe in there? It looks like if you put your hand over the change slot, you could suffocate him in thirty seconds.
Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.
You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.
things quotespoint quotesproof quoteshuman quotessmart quotespersonal quotesfavorite quotesneeded quotesinvent quoteshelmet quoteshappening quotesapparently quotesinvolved quoteslot quotesactivities quotescracking quotesheads quoteschose quotesavoid quotessort quotesdevice quotesenjoy quotesheadcracking quoteslifestyles quotes
The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.
idea quotestuxedo quoteswomans quotespoint quotesview quotesmen quotesdress quoteswedding quotesjoining quotesbeautiful quotesglowing quotesbride quotesguy quotessafety quotesdevice quotescreated quoteswomen quotesundependable quotescase quotesgroom quoteschickens quotestakes quotesstep quotesmarries quotes
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.
friend quotescollecting quotesunemployment quotesinsurance quotesguy quotesworked quoteshard quoteslife quotesthing quotesweek quoteswaiting quoteslines quotesinterviewed quotesmaking quoteslies quotesjobs quotesidea quoteseffort quotesenergy quotesexpending quotesavoid quoteswork quotesgive quotesraise quotes
I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.
Any day you had gym class was a weird school day. It started off normal. You had English, Social Studies, Geometry, then suddenly your in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. Your hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on, teachers are yelling at you, kids are throwing dodge balls at you and snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's Science,Language, and History. Now that is a weird day.
day quotesgym quotesclass quotesweird quotesschool quotesday quotesstarted quotesnormal quotesenglish quotessocial quotesstudies quotesgeometry quotessuddenly quoteslord quotesflies quotes40 quotesminutes quoteshanging quotesrope quotesclothes quotesteachers quotesyelling quoteskids quotesthrowing quotesdodge quotesballs quotessnapping quotestowels quotessurvive quotessciencelanguage quoteshistory quotes
A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.