I didn't realize how much of a Hoosier or a Midwesterner I was until I moved to New York. It's weird -- growing up in Indiana, I wanted to get out, and now I completely romanticize Indiana. It just seems like there's a greater focus on family back there, which I suppose is something that kind of stayed with me.
It is amazing how much more amazing sleep is in the morning. You wake up and you're like, "I stayed up to do what?! Watch Growing Pains? What was I thinking!?" But at night you're like, "La La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, awesome! And I've seen this episode. That Kirk Cameron's always in trouble."
I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. ... I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.
kind quotesaspire quotescomedy quotesappeals quoteswide quotesrange quotesaudiences quotesdivide quotespeople quotesmaterial quotesmakes quotespeople quoteslaugh quotesexpense quotesmaking quotesfeel quotesbad quotesguilty quotestimes quotesmake quoteshumor quotesimportant quotesissues quotesday quoteshot quotespockets quoteselevators quoteswanting quotesbed quotes
Bedtime makes you realize how completely incapable you are of being in charge of another human being. My children act like they've never been to sleep before. "Bed? What's that? No, I'm not doing that." They never want to go to bed. This is is another thing that I will never have in common with my children.
People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They're pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn't it?
I love the movie previews... you know... Why is it whenever you're watching a movie preview you always feel like you have to comment on it to the person you're with? 'Yeah... I'm not gonna see that movie. I'm gonna wait for that on VIDEO.' I mean when you think about it, it's just a commercial for the movie. You know, you never sit at home watching tv-- "Yeah... I'm not buying that cereal. I don't like cereals with raisins in 'em. ...What's your take on that commercial? Where you goin'?
love quotesmovie quotespreviews quoteswatching quotespreview quotesfeel quotescomment quotesperson quotesyeah quotesgonna quotesmovie quoteswait quotesvideo quotescommercial quotessit quoteshome quotestv quotesyeah quotesbuying quotescereal quotescereals quotesraisins quotesem quotescommercial quotesgoin quotes
I love the inpatience of New York... You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. 'Let's go buddy! Holland tunnel!' '...Uh..I-I was just going to the store... I didn't realize it was my shift. Well, let's see... the Holland Tunnel is in my ass... alright?
love quotesinpatience quotesyork quotesnotask quotesdirections quotesdemand quotesinnocently quoteswalking quotesstreet quoteshear quoteshorn quotessudden quotesguys quotesholland quotestunnel quotessupposed quotesfax quotesguy quotesdirections quotessuddenly quoteswasting quotestime quoteslets quotesbuddy quotesholland quotestunnel quotesuhii quotesstore quotesrealize quotesshift quotestunnel quotesass quotesalright quotes
Occasionally, a dog will be presented as some training method for having a baby. "My girlfriend and I got a dog. We are going to see if we can handle that before we have kids." This is a little like testing the waters of being a vegetarian by having lettuce on your burger. Okay, maybe that metaphor doesn't make sense, but neither does using a dog as a training method for having a baby.
TV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard.
We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, 'Well, at least I am not as weird as you, ' and I am thinking, 'Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin, ' and the people in the loony bin are thinking, 'Well, at least I am an orange'.
Screaming. Did I mention the screaming? Screaming is usually associated with horror films and roller coasters. This is why I usually look like I've just watched a horror film on a rollercoaster. Kids love to scream. Frightened, happy, bored. They scream. I've actually learned to love the sound of a vacuum cleaner. It's just so peaceful.
screaming quotesmention quotesscreaming quotesscreaming quoteshorror quotesfilms quotesroller quotescoasters quoteswatched quotesfilm quotesrollercoaster quoteskids quoteslove quotesscream quotesfrightened quoteshappy quotesbored quoteslearned quotessound quotesvacuum quotescleaner quotespeaceful quotes
I think comedians get too much credit or too much criticism for the style of comedy they do, and they generally do the style of comedy that works for them. There's no kind of shrewd calculation going into the type of standup we all do. It's like David Cross is supposed to be doing the David Cross' type of standup.
You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"
worst quotesbowler quotesgroupbecause quotestreats quotescancer quotespraying quotesadvice quotesstarts quotesheavier quotesball quotesarm quotesstraight quotesvasectomy quotesbad quotesbowling quotesbumpers quotescomplex quotesbumpers quotesrid quotespins quotescoloring quotesbook quotessit quotescorner quotes
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"
Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.
New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."
york quotesmade quotesparanoid quotesvisit quotescity quotesact quotescab quotesdriver quotesrip quotesyeah quotesgood quotesback quoteshome quotesback quotesgrew quotesyeah quotestokyo quotesuh quotesdriver quotesstomping quotesgrounds quotesholiday quotesinn quotesaddress quotesappears quotespound quotessign quotes
As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'
The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."
Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."
No matter how you feel about your extended family or family gatherings you will be attending. This is because now the ultimate reason for attending family gatherings is for your children to have the time of their lives with their cousins. Little kids love their cousins. I'm not being cute or exaggerating here. Cousins are like celebrities for little kids. If little kids had a People magazine, cousins would be on the cover. Cousins are the barometers of how fun a family get-together will be. "Are the cousins going to be there? Fun!
matter quotesfeel quotesextended quotesfamily quotesgatherings quotesattending quotesultimate quotesreason quotesattending quoteschildren quotestime quoteslives quotescousins quoteskids quoteslove quotescute quotesexaggerating quotescousins quotescelebrities quoteskids quotespeople quotesmagazine quotescousins quotescover quotesbarometers quotesfun quotesgettogether quotesfun quotes