what promise she can do this time?it seems always she dose , never fulfilled.a wish , a promise to herself-a simple method of perfect dying process and never looking back afterwards. in his side, when he could rest her close to his heart, a madness to see her as a beautiful creation , slowly get in to that peaceful unexplained touch of him-her body perhaps made for that, crashing in his arms , his passion, love, strong hug , essence of him-a wish of all over another time , in this life only.dying in his kiss , in his madness, in his fear to lose her- all that in his love-she made a wish. life has no answer, as well as destiny.but her heart asking for calm deep sleep for another birth, and there she does not want to meet him again.in this moment-one moment in love , she can go for sleep forever.
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that is why I always step myself back of them.if I did- I could lose them.still one mistake again I am thinking to stop.i know I am better than them- I was always advanced, but I let them put before my desire.now my progress , unwanted desire to them. as I stop to give them priority before me.
REMEMBER HER- sudden wind come through your open window a silent wave fall inside of room you run to catch your curtain and she is not in that room- remember her a little you are pushing the door bell and someone else open the main door a seasonal song with summer or with the winter or with the rain she used to sing - remember her for a moment, looking at your empty garden where she used to walk un-necessary remember her brown skin in love her smile towards you that morning or evening through your memories give her tribute when her body will burn in that pure fire of death- a little to ask - much to give- will you or will you not? she will remember her loss and rewards in happiness with you.
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so many things are there to say.time is short and I have to get many as well as want to give too many. when you told me 'it is your mistake''-I cried, shout at me.thinking why I can not stop to look at you.why I run to you?there was no answer , just a deep pain scroll down my throat and fight for me with in tears. that special day and today - long time has passed between both of us.there is no change to feel the feelings from my bottom my heart.you may be scared a little- why I am after you?may be you thought in other way- but very first moment I was at one same corner-that I loved you for years and years. I was scared -how you will react?i wanted to tell you this word -in your arms.in your care of love, at most close moment -when we could feel the breathe of each other.i wanted to hide for years in you - what I lost many years back I wanted to feel in my hand, face, eyes, and by you. I could express , why ?because I know I will never be close to you after that day.you were too close, too close to me, if I moved -I could touch you.i feel now -why I did not try for that?perhaps long wait for you , from unknown bond- I am so much far away of you. I want to go to you just like a baby girl who run to her childhood friend without any restriction. I am missing you.you changed every way.i looked at your picture- and feel why I cant be with you?why this restriction? why I am bound?i want to run away from everything, whatever will help me to forget you... but that is impossible. sometimes I want to throw you out of my side- but it is you, you pull me again and again towards you.like I can feel your love, i can feel you touch on my face..all over me.. I cant be angry for long..death is only wall which can parted me from you. first day and now I am with you, your love is looking after me, you are not allowing me to move at wrongfully -though I miss you each second.do not read this darling-when I will not be here someday if you want then read it, I love you, always do,
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you think -'what a stupid woman she is '!really , she is. or she knows that you are thinking in this way.yes , she do. why I am saying?you are using her most precious and personal emotion what she has for you.each one of these -her smile, her happiness by loving you , everything, everything you are technically using to use her for your own benefit.you may think - she does not understand your trick but I assure you- she does.yesterday you destroy her writing time, her writing page - not because you do not want to share good words about you with anyone...it was again technically for your benefit to use on other way.i assure you one more thing- love is not someone's property to lock and key.i know her. she will, love you more than today , more than yesterday.because to give you , to share with you she has nothing special to hide. no she is not hurt. she knows -you will use her work , may be not so big, but never will say- yes it is good, I like this.or yes I love you'' I asked her to step back. she told me- loving him is not my choice.god gifted me , god choose me.let him decide for me.' I hope she is this time at peace. you hurt , insult her feelings -because you never care for her or love her.otherwise you would face her boldly.
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you may be thinking-'what she is doing ?' let me tell you-what I am doing. though this letter could be posted you directly- anyhow, does not matter. when I feel there are plenty of walls around me- I want to go to you , and I can't, feels like chained. when I saw you are with me silently - and I could not figure out 'why'?-then I feel to crash everything beside me you may be laughed at me, laughted at my feelings , you may be enjoying when my tears comes out with a loud voice in pain, I feel you are most rude one who is watching me in this-but is not helping me.you are the reason , you are the medicine -of my lost heart. my world- I never asked for you from almighty , never I thought I deserve love. when I have now- I am feeling what is the actual power of love. my love- I do not take away your normal life, though I have no idea you love me or not- but for sure you now my feelings for you at very first day. I do not ask you to come without your practical life without your feelings with me , or without any reason. I love you not because physical demand. it is far beyond of that. many times I thought -you do not response me- never did- why I am not angry with you or why I am not able to stay away from you - I have only answer - a relationship with soul. I can't stay a moment without you in my heart. wherever you are when I remember you , feel proud of you , feel you are the person who could shake me as a woman than a high headed rude person. whenever I thought of you- I smiled. I get angry , destroy your photos , my notes to you- but it is growing..more and more, my dear world- you are free.but I am bounded to love you , without you I will be dark lifeless shadow. I want you infront of me.your morning will get a start by my side at bed- will be finished at night by my side. my love- life is short.i know -may be I will not receive you, but I feel this way about you and my love to you. what I want ? a little force apply on me by you than on machine , in love.I want you to take me in your hold - when I am angry with you, a little force with a kiss or your expression of love. that's it. no- I will not be destruction of your life. if these are not for me- I will ask you stand out of me-.let me handle my pain, my obstacles, and an incomplete journey without you. love.
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there are many days with very minimum result what she was looking for. people feels they way they want to feel. she did too.my readers will ask - what about? I must say she did not know what for she was waiting. one day certainly reply came.unexpected way is that - this was not even her part of life. people trust.whom ? each other.this is a big factor to grow socially and personally. as I saw - within limitation people adjust very nicely.it becomes difficult for them when this boundary gets off their life and limitations becomes limitless. it is big thing when we do not challenge our challenges on our way. as I saw her - obstacles came to her way each day , she wake up with responsibility , went to sleep with the load of failure each day. I have seen her - her little heart was unknown about many parts of the normal surrounding like others had. still she continued by extreme energy.she used to seem- enjoying to give hard fight everyday.what she became through - she did not see.I saw. she got every possible common simple life.at the time to build her mind and body -she did all injustice to her.not even understand still sometimes , how she neglect herself. as I saw her-small world , without spreading her teenager energy of life -very few times lived for herself. I saw her death. I saw her life at the starting point. starting was silent -and middle or end was helpless. she used to talk to me- if I suggest her to stop or think for others, she used to be hurt.she thought these things are great.one day we were going for picnic.we were same school same class group-I asked her , o come with us. she deny.reason was to be at home because of household duties.childhood has many memories- she was a good writer at school or college.in her written subject -there was no romance , or self dream.I remember - we both used to go district library to read.her books were very high class literature written by big writers , from country or out of country.i never dare to touch those books.i could not able to understand the story all together. few years back- I saw her in a remote place of our place somewhere. that brave heart was looking lifeless fish-who is without water. doing responsibility is good thing. to be educating the necessity of these also an important part of life. people marry , then having children, then their life becomes unlimited responsibility under the shadow of absence of self dream and it's fulfillment.I saw her without anything.i left the place with a prayer -she is dead one-she must get some rest now. without love , care romance under huge customs of being girl-one cultural possibility became a wastage.I saw her death.on road.once , she was heart of her home, lack of support to grow -now she is alone , without any hope and possibility or dream.her eyes was open.i sat to her.touched her cold body.her open eyes were asking many questions - I closed it by my right hand.now she is at rest. municipality vehicle came.took her to crematorium.I felt relief.that childhood to be normal.playing , studying , friends, home, educational targets, and slowly achievement.nothing went systematic way.and she left alone by her own.by home , by wrong myth. I saw her death of love for life.a death of dream for her own successful working life.she is a wastage on earth without her expression of living reason. people thinks and hurt others easily , without knowing how they are living truly.
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you are waiting. waiting for her.her time, love, care, smile. everything for her.you are hiding many ways that she should not know. she may be knows you.you wait for her voice, her chat with you, you get irritate sometimes her anger or too much talk - still you wait for her. you know she always sleep her phone on where your pic she has, you know she sleep almost on her phone. you wait for her breath. you perhaps wait for the sound of her neck chain with lockets.you wait for the rhythm of her walk- all are part of you.somewhere she is waiting too just listen your voice-.does not matter whatever the words.she is waiting for all those you are dreaming. she may be clueless how to say man-please , let me be with you.i want to live with you.she perhaps unknown how to run to you and hide in you.your waiting needs to reach to her.life is short.life to have to get.she is losing in deep dark of time.you both end this waiting.
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sometimes I wonder -my conscious is here in this body, but mind , heart, sub-consciousness run after him.my hands looks for him-like just it need him in it..don't get clue how to stop.i try fully - try to collect myself at one place- but always brake down , feel so weak -that don't feel that strength to stand..he is not here, will never, i will never see or touch him-in this life, though I know him- only him I received from the force of universe with best some reason.my pain is un bearable but make me proud.i am wherever -may be, but I am with him always, belong to him..it is so true !
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I thought my responsibility is over. I am free.naah- I am not.when I feel something is wrong-I am after it.to correct.to stop that something should not destroy him. I do not care my thing. but my love can not be so selfish -that I will watch to take him all those way -which can make him lost.i can't do that.it is my responsibility.I loved him.i do not know about him.i have many unanswered questions.but I am here to love him not to destroy.. I must assure my love is progressive- , encouraging for his growth and mine too.I love him by my each breath.may be he does not bother- but it is my love, my life.if he is thee, he is smiling, he is happy -I am too.he is innocently do many things- I like those- while get scared if he do some extreme.I have know him many many years- I can't leave him alone for even once.i am with him-no matter what's come in way
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is it a sin if her heart run to the person like magnet and she lost her senses to be loved by him whole life, apart from there is no chances. she lives , but more die thousand times in a day.nothing will be anymore so meaningful as before.she is nothing without him, she is learning to be get out of dreamland.but there is no door and outside is dark.
she feel so helpless when she imagine it will never be she , who will hold your emotion, she will never get you in her both hands, she will never be able to touch your hair, or your body at the moment when she suppose to be the only one.when she get the truth she will never walk by side you.your each part of life without her-she came to know she lost the battle.
like other women i never look at me so closely.there was once a friend of mine who compliment me with simple way-' how you do this? so same slim way i am watching from our teens-and look at me, i do so much..but can not make it in shape..'my friend was sounding helpless.first time i got to know my figure is attractive in a girl's view. second one my mother.she was like watching me very first time -her fingers are too long and beautiful''-i looked back to her voice.she continued -'yes.i never noticed before..'' i used to heard very ugly comment about my skin color or my may be i never meet the right person who looked at and say- you are beautiful'. is it necessary ?psychology of a person takes a shape on various conditions. one is the truth. you must know the truth.now when i look at me i get surprised - why i never got the truth? and on that basis i thought on society no one will have love for me.so whatever is coming on my way that is only i deserve. it is surprise for me- i had no idea about of myself.all my mistakes done by based on my misconception.and if something good came to me- i started to think no i dont deserve this.because i can not make any one happy. a child need truth about her quality and beauty.that is one tool to make her decision correct.if childhood injected by ugly racist false impression can have big impact. sometimes a child can be talented in various ways, and people don't appreciate because they don't say the truth.because of jealousy or ignorance.society has this racist attitude which destroy many life to grow in correct manner. as a normal human being i always looked at me as people make me to see, and i was not enough educated psychologically that i am taking myself the skin of a death opinion. life has given me a lesson..is it late to know i am talented ?or i am beautiful?or i can be loved by equally much more talented people than me? perhaps no.i am late.but happy to know the truth.because of the sentence ''you dont ask for more, you are ugly, black''helped me to take wrong decisions.why i am writing this?because life ask me to so.that no one who is talented beautiful by heart do feel less than anything she dream for. today i looked at me - i am in pain, love, pampered by destiny, and i feel 'yes i deserve to be one part of this world. this is a story of a life what is happening this moment somewhere else.no one should think less about themselves.
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why I stop to go to my dream? I am the old dirty one who will destroy the new one. that new part on this earth has many things to give.i am done.when I got , it is late, too late. how a person can be a reason of destruction of such valuable !.so I left my dream to drive away from my heart.one last time.i must not forget-dream needs action.i am not for that.i am already damaged- need repairing.
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