Milton Berle Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. -Milton Berle
a-committee-is-a-group-that-keeps-minutes-and-loses-hours
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think. -Milton Berle
you-can-lead-a-man-to-congress-but-you-cant-make-him-think
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. -Milton Berle
if-opportunity-doesnt-knock-build-a-door
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name. -Milton Berle
experience-is-what-you-have-after-youve-forgotten-her-name
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases. -Milton Berle
marriage-is-one-of-the-few-institutions-that-allow-a-man-to-do-as-his-wife-pleases
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? -Milton Berle
why-are-we-honoring-this-man-have-we-run-out-of-human-beings
The best ears of our lives. -Milton Berle
the-best-ears-of-our-lives
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them! -Milton Berle
a-man-falls-down-a-flight-of-stairs-and-somebody-rushes-over-to-him-and-asks-did-you-miss-a-step-no-he-answers-i-hit-every-one-of-them
I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids! -Milton Berle
i-know-why-superman-left-krypton-earth-was-the-only-place-he-could-get-steroids
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign. -Milton Berle
folk-who-dont-know-why-america-is-the-land-of-promise-should-be-here-during-an-election-campaign
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said,
my-wife-sent-me-valentine-card-that-said-take-my-heart-take-my-lips-take-my-soul-thats-just-like-her-she-kept-good-parts-for-herself-milton-berle
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me. -Milton Berle
radio-that-wonderful-invention-by-which-i-can-reach-millions-people-who-fortunately-cant-reach-me-milton-berle
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired. -Milton Berle
the-problem-with-life-is-by-time-you-can-read-women-like-book-your-library-card-has-expired-milton-berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? -Milton Berle
if-evolution-really-works-how-come-mothers-only-have-two-hands-milton-berle
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient -Milton Berle
poverty-is-not-disgrace-but-its-terribly-inconvenient-milton-berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. -Milton Berle
anytime-person-goes-into-delicatessen-orders-pastrami-on-white-bread-somewhere-jew-dies-milton-berle
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. -Milton Berle
my-doctor-told-me-that-jogging-could-add-years-to-my-life-i-think-he-was-right-i-feel-ten-years-older-already-milton-berle
Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list -Milton Berle
santa-is-having-tough-time-this-year-last-year-he-deducted-eight-billion-for-gifts-irs-wants-itemized-list-milton-berle
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around. -Milton Berle
at-eightytwo-i-feel-like-twentyyearold-but-unfortunately-theres-never-one-around-milton-berle
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away. -Milton Berle
i-bought-my-son-bat-for-christmas-on-new-years-it-flew-away-milton-berle
In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December. -Milton Berle
in-suburbs-its-hard-to-buy-your-christmas-gifts-early-in-year-you-never-know-who-your-friends-will-be-in-december-milton-berle
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins. -Milton Berle
i-take-new-years-with-grain-salt-three-aspirins-milton-berle
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs. -Milton Berle
our-tree-was-puny-we-used-orthopedic-bulbs-milton-berle
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school. -Milton Berle
the-human-brain-is-special-it-starts-working-as-soon-as-you-get-up-it-doesnt-stop-until-you-get-to-school-milton-berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring. -Milton Berle
the-company-accountant-is-shy-retiring-hes-shy-quarter-million-dollars-thats-why-hes-retiring-milton-berle
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side? -Milton Berle
do-you-realise-that-eve-was-only-woman-who-ever-took-mans-side-milton-berle
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it? -Milton Berle
my-son-has-big-christmas-problem-what-do-you-buy-for-father-who-has-everything-youre-using-it-milton-berle
Laughter is the best medicine in the world. -Milton Berle
laughter-is-best-medicine-in-world-milton-berle
Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious. -Milton Berle
most-attorneys-practice-law-because-it-gives-them-grand-glorious-feeling-you-give-them-grand-they-feel-glorious-milton-berle
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it. -Milton Berle
she-wanted-italian-sports-car-with-sport-still-in-it-milton-berle
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked. -Milton Berle
at-christmas-party-secretary-with-long-red-hair-ate-three-pickles-four-salesmen-panicked-milton-berle
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help. -Milton Berle
now-that-doctors-have-stopped-making-house-calls-lots-patients-now-have-to-die-without-their-help-milton-berle
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide. -Milton Berle
talk-about-cheap-on-christmas-eve-my-neighbour-shoots-off-three-blanks-tells-his-kids-santa-claus-just-committed-suicide-milton-berle
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received. -Milton Berle
do-you-want-to-feel-insecure-count-number-christmas-cards-you-sent-out-then-count-those-you-received-milton-berle
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe. -Milton Berle
my-son-gave-me-nice-bottle-cologne-eau-de-owe-milton-berle
A thing of beauty is a job forever. -Milton Berle
a-thing-beauty-is-job-forever-milton-berle
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't. -Milton Berle
i-made-terrible-mistake-last-christmas-my-wife-made-me-swear-that-i-wouldnt-give-her-fancy-gift-and-i-didnt-milton-berle
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here? -Milton Berle
my-wife-cant-figure-out-what-to-buy-me-what-do-you-give-man-whos-had-everything-up-to-here-milton-berle
Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together -Milton Berle
who-says-we-didnt-have-controversial-subjects-on-tv-back-in-my-time-remember-bonanza-it-was-about-three-guys-in-high-heels-living-together-milton-berle
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble. -Milton Berle
for-every-studen-with-spark-brilliance-there-are-about-ten-with-ignition-trouble-milton-berle
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is. -Milton Berle
your-marriage-is-in-trouble-if-your-wife-says-youre-only-interested-in-one-thing-you-cant-remember-what-it-is-milton-berle
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