Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
im-sick-of-following-my-dreams-im-just-going-to-ask-them-where-theyre-goin-and-hook-up-with-them-later
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. -Mitch Hedberg
i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. -Mitch Hedberg
this-shirt-is-dry-clean-only-which-means-its-dirty
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -Mitch Hedberg
my-fake-plants-died-because-i-did-not-pretend-to-water-them
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. -Mitch Hedberg
a-waffle-is-like-a-pancake-with-a-syrup-trap
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. -Mitch Hedberg
i-wear-a-necklace-cause-i-wanna-know-when-im-upside-down
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. -Mitch Hedberg
i-wanted-to-buy-a-candle-holder-but-the-store-didnt-have-one-so-i-got-a-cake
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? -Mitch Hedberg
is-a-hippopotamus-a-hippopotamus-or-just-a-really-cool-opotamus
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. -Mitch Hedberg
i-dont-have-a-girlfriend-but-i-do-know-a-woman-whod-be-mad-at-me-for-saying-that
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg
rice-is-great-if-youre-really-hungry-and-want-to-eat-two-thousand-of-something
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' -Mitch Hedberg
every-time-i-go-and-shave-i-assume-theres-someone-else-on-the-planet-shaving-so-i-say-im-gonna-go-shave-too
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. -Mitch Hedberg
i-got-in-an-argument-with-a-girlfriend-inside-of-a-tent-thats-a-bad-place-for-an-argument-because-i-tried-to-walk-out-and-had-to-slam-the-flap
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky... -Mitch Hedberg
its-hard-to-dance-if-you-just-lost-your-wallet-whoa-wheres-my-wallet-but-hey-this-song-is-funky
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -Mitch Hedberg
im-against-picketing-but-i-dont-know-how-to-show-it
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' -Mitch Hedberg
my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen-banana-i-said-no-but-i-want-a-regular-banana-later-so-yeah
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. -Mitch Hedberg
i-think-foosball-is-a-combination-of-soccer-and-shish-kabobs
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. -Mitch Hedberg
i-think-pickles-are-cucumbers-that-sold-out-they-sold-their-soul-to-devil-devil-is-dill-mitch-hedberg
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? -Mitch Hedberg
i-miss-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh-yeah-what-do-you-need-one-another-one-mitch-hedberg
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close. -Mitch Hedberg
i-got-binoculars-cause-i-dont-want-to-go-that-close-mitch-hedberg
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun.
i-want-to-rob-bank-with-bb-gun-give-me-all-your-money-i-will-give-you-dimple-i-will-be-rich-you-will-be-cute-we-both-win-mitch-hedberg
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. -Mitch Hedberg
if-you-drink-odouls-you-dont-drink-but-if-you-drink-20-odouls-in-half-hour-then-youre-nonalcoholic-mitch-hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. -Mitch Hedberg
a-fly-was-close-to-being-called-land-because-thats-what-it-does-half-time-mitch-hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. -Mitch Hedberg
i-got-my-hair-highlighted-because-i-felt-some-strands-were-more-important-than-others-mitch-hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
im-sick-following-my-dreams-im-just-going-to-ask-them-where-theyre-going-hook-up-with-them-later-mitch-hedberg
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable... -Mitch Hedberg
if-you-had-friend-who-was-tightrope-walker-you-were-walking-down-sidewalk-he-fell-that-would-be-completely-unacceptable-mitch-hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! -Mitch Hedberg
every-book-is-childrens-book-if-kid-can-read-mitch-hedberg
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. -Mitch Hedberg
i-think-fooseball-is-combination-soccer-shishkabobs-mitch-hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. -Mitch Hedberg
i-used-to-do-drugs-i-still-do-drugs-but-i-used-to-too-mitch-hedberg
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