Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. -Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty. -Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. -Mitch Hedberg
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. -Mitch Hedberg
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. -Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. -Mitch Hedberg
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? -Mitch Hedberg
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. -Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. -Mitch Hedberg
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' -Mitch Hedberg
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. -Mitch Hedberg
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky... -Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. -Mitch Hedberg
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' -Mitch Hedberg
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. -Mitch Hedberg
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. -Mitch Hedberg
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one? -Mitch Hedberg
I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close. -Mitch Hedberg
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun.
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic. -Mitch Hedberg
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. -Mitch Hedberg
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others. -Mitch Hedberg
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. -Mitch Hedberg
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable... -Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! -Mitch Hedberg
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs. -Mitch Hedberg
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. -Mitch Hedberg
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