Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Categories: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
im-sick-of-following-my-dreams-im-just-going-to-ask-them-where-theyre-goin-and-hook-up-with-them-later
i-drank-some-boiling-water-because-i-wanted-to-whistle
this-shirt-is-dry-clean-only-which-means-its-dirty
my-fake-plants-died-because-i-did-not-pretend-to-water-them
a-waffle-is-like-a-pancake-with-a-syrup-trap
i-wear-a-necklace-cause-i-wanna-know-when-im-upside-down
i-wanted-to-buy-a-candle-holder-but-the-store-didnt-have-one-so-i-got-a-cake
is-a-hippopotamus-a-hippopotamus-or-just-a-really-cool-opotamus
i-dont-have-a-girlfriend-but-i-do-know-a-woman-whod-be-mad-at-me-for-saying-that
rice-is-great-if-youre-really-hungry-and-want-to-eat-two-thousand-of-something
every-time-i-go-and-shave-i-assume-theres-someone-else-on-the-planet-shaving-so-i-say-im-gonna-go-shave-too
i-got-in-an-argument-with-a-girlfriend-inside-of-a-tent-thats-a-bad-place-for-an-argument-because-i-tried-to-walk-out-and-had-to-slam-the-flap
its-hard-to-dance-if-you-just-lost-your-wallet-whoa-wheres-my-wallet-but-hey-this-song-is-funky
im-against-picketing-but-i-dont-know-how-to-show-it
my-friend-asked-me-if-i-wanted-a-frozen-banana-i-said-no-but-i-want-a-regular-banana-later-so-yeah
i-think-foosball-is-a-combination-of-soccer-and-shish-kabobs
i-think-pickles-are-cucumbers-that-sold-out-they-sold-their-soul-to-devil-devil-is-dill-mitch-hedberg
i-miss-2-bill-cause-i-can-break-two-20-no-10-no-5-maybe-2-oh-yeah-what-do-you-need-one-another-one-mitch-hedberg
i-got-binoculars-cause-i-dont-want-to-go-that-close-mitch-hedberg
i-want-to-rob-bank-with-bb-gun-give-me-all-your-money-i-will-give-you-dimple-i-will-be-rich-you-will-be-cute-we-both-win-mitch-hedberg
if-you-drink-odouls-you-dont-drink-but-if-you-drink-20-odouls-in-half-hour-then-youre-nonalcoholic-mitch-hedberg
a-fly-was-close-to-being-called-land-because-thats-what-it-does-half-time-mitch-hedberg
i-got-my-hair-highlighted-because-i-felt-some-strands-were-more-important-than-others-mitch-hedberg
im-sick-following-my-dreams-im-just-going-to-ask-them-where-theyre-going-hook-up-with-them-later-mitch-hedberg
if-you-had-friend-who-was-tightrope-walker-you-were-walking-down-sidewalk-he-fell-that-would-be-completely-unacceptable-mitch-hedberg
every-book-is-childrens-book-if-kid-can-read-mitch-hedberg
i-think-fooseball-is-combination-soccer-shishkabobs-mitch-hedberg
i-used-to-do-drugs-i-still-do-drugs-but-i-used-to-too-mitch-hedberg
i-think-that-they-should-call-cheese-grater-by-its-real-name-sponge-ruiner-mitch-hedberg
i-havent-slept-for-ten-days-because-that-would-be-too-long-mitch-hedberg
i-know-lot-about-cars-i-can-look-at-cars-headlights-tell-you-exactly-which-way-its-coming-mitch-hedberg
i-like-to-play-blackjack-im-not-addicted-to-gambling-im-addicted-to-sitting-in-semicircle-mitch-hedberg
you-should-never-tell-someone-they-have-nice-dimple-because-maybe-they-were-shot-in-face-with-bb-gun-mitch-hedberg
why-are-there-no-during-pictures-mitch-hedberg
i-played-golf-i-did-not-get-hole-in-one-but-i-did-hit-guy-thats-way-more-satisfying-mitch-hedberg
my-belt-holds-my-pants-up-but-belt-loops-hold-my-belt-up-so-which-ones-real-hero-mitch-hedberg
i-once-saw-forklift-lift-crate-forks-and-it-was-way-to-literal-for-me-mitch-hedberg
i-like-rice-rice-is-great-if-youre-hungry-want-2000-something-mitch-hedberg
people-teach-their-dogs-to-sit-its-trick-ive-been-sitting-my-whole-life-dog-has-never-looked-at-me-as-though-he-thought-i-was-tricky-mitch-hedberg
i-was-in-convenience-store-reading-magazine-the-clerk-told-me-this-is-not-library-ok-i-will-talk-louder-then-mitch-hedberg
i-went-to-store-bought-eight-apples-clerk-said-do-you-want-these-in-bag-i-said-oh-no-man-i-juggle-mitch-hedberg
i-have-idea-for-sweatshops-air-conditioning-thats-simple-14-year-old-boys-working-twelve-hour-days-yeah-but-theyre-comfortable-mitch-hedberg
i-have-roommate-i-signed-year-lease-i-screwed-up-thats-like-i-wrote-joke-that-didnt-work-but-now-i-have-to-tell-it-for-year-mitch-hedberg
a-lollipop-is-cross-between-hard-candy-garbage-mitch-hedberg
i-hate-flossing-i-wish-i-just-had-one-long-curvy-tooth-they-didnt-have-to-make-separations-for-me-mitch-hedberg
people-who-smoke-cigarettes-they-say-you-dont-know-how-hard-it-is-to-quit-smoking-yes-i-do-its-as-hard-as-it-is-to-start-flossing-mitch-hedberg
id-hate-to-be-giraffe-with-sore-throat-mitch-hedberg
if-you-cant-sleep-count-sheep-dont-count-endangered-animals-you-will-run-out-mitch-hedberg
snake-eyes-is-gambling-term-animal-term-too-mitch-hedberg
i-think-animal-crackers-make-people-think-that-all-animals-taste-same-mitch-hedberg
i-would-like-it-if-four-people-did-cartwheel-all-at-once-i-can-make-cart-mitch-hedberg
2in1-is-stupid-term-because-1-is-not-big-enough-to-hold-2-thats-why-2-was-created-mitch-hedberg
i-want-to-make-vending-machine-that-sells-vending-machines-itd-have-to-be-real-big-mitch-hedberg
i-had-chicken-finger-that-was-big-it-was-chicken-hand-mitch-hedberg