Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

i-havent-spoken-to-my-wife-in-years-i-didnt-want-to-interrupt-her

i-found-there-was-only-one-way-to-look-thin-hang-out-with-fat-people

yeah-i-know-im-ugly-i-said-to-a-bartender-make-me-a-zombie-he-said-god-beat-me-to-it

its-tough-to-stay-married-my-wife-kisses-the-dog-on-the-lips-yet-she-wont-drink-from-my-glass

im-at-the-age-where-food-has-taken-the-place-of-sex-in-my-life-in-fact-ive-just-had-a-mirror-put-over-my-kitchen-table

my-wife-wants-sex-in-the-back-of-the-car-and-she-wants-me-to-drive

i-looked-up-my-family-tree-and-found-out-i-was-the-sap

my-wife-met-me-at-the-door-the-other-night-in-a-sexy-negligee-unfortunately-she-was-just-coming-home

a-girl-phoned-me-the-other-day-and-said-come-on-over-theres-nobody-home-i-went-over-nobody-was-home

when-i-was-born-i-was-so-ugly-the-doctor-slapped-my-mother

what-a-dog-i-got-his-favorite-bone-is-in-my-arm

i-get-no-respect-the-way-my-luck-is-running-if-i-was-a-politician-i-would-be-honest

i-went-to-a-fight-the-other-night-and-a-hockey-game-broke-out

at-my-age-im-envious-of-a-stiff-wind

my-psychiatrist-told-me-im-going-crazy-i-told-him--if-you-dont-mind-id-like-a-second-opinion-he-said--alright-youre-ugly-too

on-halloween-the-parents-sent-their-kids-out-looking-like-me

i-could-tell-my-parents-hated-me-my-bath-toys-were-a-toaster-and-a-radio

when-i-was-a-kid-my-parents-moved-a-lot-but-i-always-found-them

my-father-carries-around-the-picture-of-the-kid-who-came-with-his-wallet

i-could-tell-that-my-parents-hated-me-my-bath-toys-were-a-toaster-and-a-radio

im-so-ugly-i-worked-in-a-pet-shop-and-people-kept-asking-how-big-id-get

im-so-ugly-my-father-carries-around-a-picture-of-the-kid-who-came-with-his-wallet

i-was-so-ugly-my-mother-used-to-feed-me-with-a-sling-shot

my-psychiatrist-told-me-i-was-crazy-and-i-said-i-want-a-second-opinion-he-said-okay-youre-ugly-too

i-told-my-psychiatrist-everyone-hates-me-he-said-i-was-being-ridiculous-everyone-hasnt-met-me-yet

my-uncles-dying-wish-he-wanted-me-on-his-lap-he-was-in-the-electric-chair

i-told-my-psychiatrist-that-everyone-hates-me-he-said-i-was-being-ridiculous-everyone-hasnt-met-me-yet

im-at-the-age-where-food-has-taken-the-place-of-sex-in-fact-i-just-had-a-mirror-put-over-my-kitchen-table

one-woman-i-was-dating-called-and-said-come-on-over-theres-nobody-home-i-went-over-nobody-was-home

in-the-school-i-went-to-they-asked-a-kid-to-prove-the-law-of-gravity-and-he-threw-the-teacher-out-of-the-window

i-was-so-poor-growing-up-if-i-wasnt-a-boy-id-have-nothing-to-play-with

my-wife-and-i-were-happy-for-twenty-years-then-we-met

if-it-werent-for-pickpockets-id-have-no-sex-life-at-all

i-had-plenty-of-pimples-as-a-kid-one-day-i-fell-asleep-in-the-library-when-i-woke-up-a-blind-man-was-reading-my-face

acting-deals-with-delicate-emotions-it-is-not-putting-up-mask-each-time-actor-acts-he-does-not-hide-he-exposes-himself

i-was-poor-growing-upif-i-wasnt-boyid-have-nothing-to-play-with-rodney-dangerfield

my-sex-life-is-terrible-my-wife-put-mirror-over-dogs-bed-actually-she-did-put-mirror-over-our-bed-she-says-she-likes-to-watch-herself-laugh-rodney-dangerfield

my-sex-life-is-like-shooting-pool-with-rope-rodney-dangerfield

life-is-just-bowl-pits-rodney-dangerfield

i-tell-ya-my-wife-we-get-along-good-cause-we-have-our-own-arrangement-i-mean-one-night-week-i-go-out-with-boys-one-night-week-she-goes-out-with-rodney-dangerfield

a-sense-humor-is-rare-it-isnt-telling-joke-about-how-there-are-three-ways-to-get-to-heaven-its-being-in-restaurant-hearing-someone-say-everyones-rodney-dangerfield

if-things-go-right-ill-be-there-about-week-if-things-dont-go-right-ill-be-there-about-hour-half-rodney-dangerfield

boy-is-my-wife-stupid-it-takes-her-hour-half-to-watch-60-minutes-my-daughters-no-bargain-either-in-public-school-she-was-voted-most-likely-to-rodney-dangerfield

my-life-is-nothing-but-pressure-all-pressure-this-pressure-is-like-heaviness-its-always-on-top-me-this-heaviness-its-always-there-since-im-kid-rodney-dangerfield

lifes-short-trip-youll-find-out-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-i-were-happy-for-twenty-year-then-we-met-rodney-dangerfield

i-was-such-ugly-kid-when-i-played-in-sandbox-cat-kept-covering-me-up-rodney-dangerfield

i-was-poor-growing-up-if-i-wasnt-boy-id-have-had-nothing-to-play-with-rodney-dangerfield

my-marriage-is-on-rocks-again-yeah-my-wife-just-broke-up-with-her-boyfriend-rodney-dangerfield

i-told-my-wife-truth-i-told-her-i-was-seeing-psychiatrist-then-she-told-me-truth-that-she-was-seeing-psychiatrist-two-plumbers-bartender-rodney-dangerfield

girl-phoned-me-other-day-said-come-on-over-theres-nobody-home-i-went-over-nobody-was-home-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-was-afraid-dark-then-she-saw-me-naked-now-shes-afraid-light-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-i-were-happy-for-20-years-then-we-met-rodney-dangerfield

i-came-from-real-tough-neighborhood-once-guy-pulled-knife-on-me-i-knew-he-wasnt-professional-knife-had-butter-on-it-rodney-dangerfield

what-kid-i-got-i-told-him-about-birds-bees-he-told-me-about-butcher-my-wife-rodney-dangerfield

once-i-pulled-job-i-was-stupid-i-picked-guys-pocket-on-airplane-made-run-for-it-rodney-dangerfield

i-came-from-real-tough-neighborhood-why-every-time-i-shut-window-i-hurt-somebodys-fingers-rodney-dangerfield

when-i-was-kidnapped-as-child-my-parents-sent-letter-to-hijackers-me-pay-5-000-dollars-your-back-rodney-dangerfield

im-not-hypochondriac-but-my-gynaecologist-firmly-believes-i-am-rodney-dangerfield

one-year-they-asked-me-to-be-poster-boy-for-birth-control-rodney-dangerfield

im-bisexual-i-get-it-maybe-twice-year-rodney-dangerfield

when-i-was-3-years-old-my-parents-got-dog-i-was-jealous-dog-they-got-rid-me-rodney-dangerfield

what-childhood-i-had-i-was-ten-years-old-when-i-found-out-alpo-was-dog-food-rodney-dangerfield

a-man-in-crowd-asks-hey-rodney-howd-you-get-started-rodney-i-was-12-years-old-alone-in-my-room-i-got-started-rodney-dangerfield

for-christmas-one-year-i-bought-my-son-bb-gun-he-bought-me-tshirt-with-bulls-eye-on-back-rodney-dangerfield

last-year-my-birthday-cake-looked-like-prairie-fire-rodney-dangerfield

i-figured-out-im-bisexual-i-have-sex-twice-year-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-i-have-olympic-sex-once-every-four-years-rodney-dangerfield

after-i-got-divorced-i-said-to-myself-i-will-never-ever-get-married-again-it-was-in-cement-i-went-through-really-rough-twentyfive-years-but-it-rodney-dangerfield

i-got-my-first-break-became-singing-waiter-at-eighteen-nineteen-i-couldnt-make-living-at-it-i-quit-then-i-got-married-sold-aluminum-siding-my-rodney-dangerfield

people-say-fish-is-good-for-diet-but-fish-should-never-be-cooked-in-butter-fish-should-be-cooked-in-its-natural-oils-texaco-mobil-exxon-rodney-dangerfield

my-cousin-is-gay-in-school-while-other-kids-were-dissecting-frog-he-was-opening-flies-rodney-dangerfield

my-kids-scotch-tape-worms-to-sidewalk-watch-birds-get-hernias-rodney-dangerfield

my-family-was-bunch-drunks-when-i-was-six-i-came-up-missing-they-put-my-picture-on-bottle-scotch-rodney-dangerfield

with-my-doctor-i-dont-get-no-respect-i-told-him-i-want-vasectomy-he-said-with-face-like-mine-i-dont-need-one-rodney-dangerfield

im-getting-old-my-insurance-company-sends-me-12-calendar-rodney-dangerfield

you-know-youre-old-when-your-family-talk-about-you-in-front-you-what-are-we-going-to-do-with-pop-we-have-company-tonight-rodney-dangerfield

if-sex-is-pain-in-ass-then-youre-doing-it-wrong-rodney-dangerfield

i-went-to-see-my-doctor-doctor-vidiboomba-yeahi-told-him-once-doctor-every-morning-when-i-get-up-look-in-mirror-i-feel-like-throwing-up-whats-wrong-rodney-dangerfield

my-cousins-gay-he-went-to-london-only-to-find-out-that-big-ben-was-clock-rodney-dangerfield

my-mother-used-to-rock-me-she-used-big-rocks-rodney-dangerfield

id-like-to-get-some-new-clothes-but-i-cant-find-big-short-store-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-is-fat-that-last-time-i-saw-something-that-big-it-was-grazing-rodney-dangerfield

if-you-cant-write-your-own-material-you-have-little-chance-making-it-as-comedian-rodney-dangerfield

in-high-school-when-i-played-football-i-got-no-respect-i-shared-locker-with-mop-rodney-dangerfield

i-know-im-not-sexy-in-high-school-i-was-voted-most-likely-to-masturbate-rodney-dangerfield

you-wanna-have-laughs-do-what-i-do-when-i-go-through-tollbooth-i-keep-going-i-tell-guy-the-car-behind-me-is-paying-for-two-rodney-dangerfield

i-come-from-stupid-family-during-civil-war-my-great-uncle-fought-for-west-rodney-dangerfield

with-me-nothing-goes-right-my-psychiatrist-said-my-wife-i-should-have-sex-every-night-now-well-never-see-each-other-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-had-her-drivers-test-other-day-she-got-8-out-10-the-other-2-guys-jumped-clear-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-great-driver-she-once-hit-deer-it-was-in-zoo-there-is-pair-shoes-on-dashboard-they-belong-to-last-guy-she-hit-rodney-dangerfield

she-failed-her-drivers-test-she-couldnt-get-used-to-front-seat-it-took-her-four-lessons-to-learn-to-sit-up-rodney-dangerfield

ill-tell-ya-i-dont-get-no-respect-the-other-day-i-got-back-from-business-trip-i-got-in-cab-said-to-driver-hey-take-me-to-where-action-is-so-ya-rodney-dangerfield

i-told-my-wife-man-is-like-wine-he-gets-better-with-age-she-locked-me-in-cellar-rodney-dangerfield

i-got-myself-good-this-morning-too-i-did-my-pushups-in-nude-i-didnt-see-mouse-trap-rodney-dangerfield

when-i-was-kid-i-got-no-respect-the-time-i-was-kidnapped-kidnappers-sent-my-parents-note-they-said-we-want-five-thousand-dollars-youll-see-your-rodney-dangerfield

i-like-southern-girls-they-talk-slow-that-by-time-they-say-no-i-made-it-already-rodney-dangerfield

i-saved-girl-from-being-attacked-last-night-i-controlled-myself-rodney-dangerfield

my-wife-has-to-be-worst-cook-i-dont-believe-meatloaf-should-glow-in-dark-rodney-dangerfield

i-asked-my-wife-if-she-would-put-out-garbage-she-said-why-should-i-you-never-put-out-for-me-rodney-dangerfield