I want to change my life... except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment.
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APAJen Lancaster Quotes. (n.d.). Jar of Quotes. Retrieved , from JarofQuotes.com Web site: https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=i-want-to-change-my-life-except-i-sort-like-it-i-mean-i-couldnt-be-more-delighted-every-monday-night-after-fletch-goes-to-bed-when-i-come-downstairs-pull-up-bachelor-on-tivo-drin
ChicagoJen Lancaster Quotes. Jar of Quotes, 2019. https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=i-want-to-change-my-life-except-i-sort-like-it-i-mean-i-couldnt-be-more-delighted-every-monday-night-after-fletch-goes-to-bed-when-i-come-downstairs-pull-up-bachelor-on-tivo-drin, accessed .
MLA"Jen Lancaster Quotes." Jar of Quotes, 2019. . https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=i-want-to-change-my-life-except-i-sort-like-it-i-mean-i-couldnt-be-more-delighted-every-monday-night-after-fletch-goes-to-bed-when-i-come-downstairs-pull-up-bachelor-on-tivo-drin
I never ever, ever say anything against my husband to anyone except my husband. Everyone gets in fights, and I think the natural propensity for women is, 'Oh I want to talk to someone.' But the minute you take what bothers you outside the bond between you and your husband, you let someone else into the relationship and that causes a wedge.
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Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased down a car of speeding teenagers while shaking a brick at them, never once interrupting the conversation or setting down her margarita. The only reason this woman isn't president of General Motors is because she's chosen not to be.
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I'm instantly mortified by my fat, uncontrollable mouth, but that's when it occurs to me that my humor is a self-defense mechanism. Even though I may come off like a stark raving asshat, being funny is the most important tool I have to stay sane. The ability to say what I think is the key to allowing me to feel in control.
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I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sht; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.
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If you're anorexic, you're doing it wrong." I swat him with a dish towel. "No, no, I mean anorexics look in the mirror, and even if they're eighty pounds, they still see a fat girl. I'm a hundred pounds heavier than I was in high school, my veins are full of creme fraiche, and yet I look in the mirror, take in the hair and makeup, and think, Damn, baby, you fiiine.
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The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.
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I'm busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn't even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.
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