When I was collecting material for a political gossip column, and someone said something interesting, I would wait for them to add, 'and I don't want to read that in your magazine!' In which case I wouldn't use it. But if they didn't remember to say it, I'd nip off to the loo, write the story up, come back and change the subject.
I was foreign and Jewish, with a funny name, and was very small and hated sport, a real problem at an English prep school. So the way to get round it was to become the school joker, which I did quite effectively - I was always fooling around to make the people who would otherwise dump me in the loo laugh.
Alain de Botton
My father would go shopping, and he was supposed to buy loo roll or something, but he'd always come back with some fish or shellfish. And we've always had fresh vegetables from the garden. He is a massively keen gardener, so he grew all our tomatoes, artichokes, asparagus - whenever he wasn't working, he was in the garden.
Tom Parker Bowles
I grew up having to piss in a bucket 'cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerised Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I'll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don't have to strain.
Everything is important, but there is a weight to these big or expected things and then there is the logistics of them and it's trying to find, while you worry about for instance the ballroom scene, how do you get 500 people to go to the loo in corsets and don't cost you an hour and how do you remember while you're organizing all that to take a breath and say, 'Well the scene is about all of that and it's about [Prince] hand on the small of [Cinderella] back as well' and we need time to do that properly as well.
What do you call that nice, shiny white metal they use to make sidings and airplanes out of? Aluminum, right? Aluminum, pronounced 'uh-LOO-mih-num', right? Anybody knows that! But do you know how the British spell it? 'Aluminium', pronounced 'Al-yoo-MIH-nee-um'. Ever hear anything so ridiculous? The French and Germans spell it 'aluminium', too, but they're foreigners who don't speak Earth-standard. You'd think the British, however, using our language, would be more careful
Loo, life is black and white. You don't know what's good for you, because you don't see the black and white! You don't see where the black lines end and where the white lines begin! You're going to grow up to be no good if you keep on that way. It's impractical. I only have one child, and I won't have her growing up to be impractical. I can't think of a worse thing to be than impractical!
C. JoyBell C.
I'M A WINNER IN MY BOOK MADE CUISINE, IN THE KITCHEN, THE FLY COOK IN THE AIR LIKE A RIM IN A SKYHOOK DEAF JOCK, MY LEFT HOOK THIS IS EASY WORK IT'S THE MIC MECHANICS SEE THE GREASY SHIRT THIS IS EASY PERKS FOLLOW TWO STEPS DOT ON THE CHOPPER MY BITCH KNOW GQ MANOLO BOOTS KEEP CURSIN' AT THE HUSTLERS HOW YOU GONNA GET LOO? YOU'RE CURSING AT THE COARSENESS NO SALES, YOU BETTER HAVE MY CASH THE FEDS DON'T GRAB ME, I GOT LOTS OF PLANS I NEED BALLS, THE ALL STAR CASH IN THE LEADIN ROLL, CALL IT CRUISE CONTROL EVERY DAY IS SHAKABLE, EVERYTHING IS PAYABLE NO TINGS IN MY ARMOR, I'M FEELING UNBREAKABLE SWIMMING THROUGH THE SHARK TANK I'M TOP RANK FOR THE
The mystery of the MAGIC BATHROOM will be revealed unto thee... The table next to the sink is for flashcards. I say a Monty Python skit called, "Every sperm is sacred, " and it gave me the idea that, "every piss is sacred." Meaning, why not look at flashcards while voiding. Mozart liked to write letters while on the loo. He wrote, "I think it only fitting to write while shitting." This gave me the idea to read while... If knowledge is money, and money is gold, then this is modern day alchemy. Feces (wasted time) is turned into gold (knowledge)... People often ask, "where do you find so much time to read? How can you remember so well?" Well, there's your answer, the Magic Bathroom.
Few of us could speak the other's language, but all of us had by now discovered the lodge's unique 'outside toilet'... which transcended all national barriers. The lodge owner wouldn't let you use it unless you promised to lock yourself in with a special key. Everybody thought this odd, but they understood his concern once inside. The loo was just two parallel blocks of wood laid either side of a big hole in the floor. You went in, squatted down on the blocks, felt the gust of chill air wafting up your nether regions, looked through legs, and watched the bottom fall out of your world for a sheer drop of two thousand feet! The reason for locking the door was obvious. Any unwitting interloper who swung it inwards when you were squatting over that hole was certain to knock you off your perch and straight down it. And that would be a one-way trip to oblivion. With your trousers round your ankles
YOU WANNA SEE ME GET COOL, THE ORIGINAL RUDE BWOY, FUCK WITH THE NEW TOYS LIKE PISTOLS, I DISMISS CREWS, SO ORDER SOME NEW BOYS BLAST THE FUNKY BUDDHA'S LOCKIN ASH UP IN MY BODY FOR FOZZY PATSI I BRING SAD DAYS TO NIGGAZ CONSTANT LY! FREAK FUNKADELIC PHRASES CAUSE I'M TRUE SCHOOL I'M FUCKIN MADONNA DOWN TO SMURFETTE DOWN ONE DOWN TO M'BUFU FUNKS FORMATIC, THE FAT SHIT, THE WICKED BASKET FROM CASKETS PLUS I'M ROLLIN BLUNTS WITH NIGGAZ ASHES SMOKE ON THE CHOKE, LIGHT A TOKE UNTIL IT'S PROPER I DESERVE AN OSCAR FOR PULLIN GLOCKS OUT NIGGAZ MOUTHS 'CAUSE I KILL LIKE THAT, PLUS I ROLL LIKE THAT I'M THAT GUY WITH CEREBRAL-PALSY EVEN BO KNOWS THAT BUT FUCK THAT, WE DROP THE NEW RUNNER TO GET SOME GANJA GOIN UPTOWN, WE CHECK BENNY RED OUT, HE PULLS THE SMACK OUT THEN ROLL UP THE BILLS-NILZ, OR BETTER YET THE PUTE THE LOO-PAY, RANK NEAR MY NOST TO ROCK THE BLOCK HITTIN NIGGAZ UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH ROCKS IN SOCKS, GLOCK ON COCK BACK, TRIGGER-HAP, P P P ROCKIN THAT UNITY MOTHERFUCKER! YEAH YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS, IT'S ON IT'S ON IT'S ON
I'm really enjoying my solitude after feeling trapped by my family, friends and boyfriend. Just then I feel like making a resolution. A new year began six months ago but I feel like the time for change is now. No more whining about my pathetic life. I am going to change my life this very minute. Feeling as empowered as I felt when I read The Secret, I turn to reenter the hall. I know what I'll do! Instead of listing all the things I'm going to do from this moment on, I'm going to list all the things I'm never going to do! I've always been unconventional (too unconventional if you ask my parents but I'll save that account for later). I mentally begin to make my list of nevers. -I am never going to marry for money like Natasha just did. -I am never going to doubt my abilities again. -I am never going to... as I try to decide exactly what to resolve I spot an older lady wearing a bright red velvet churidar kurta. Yuck! I immediately know what my next resolution will be; I will never wear velvet. Even if it does become the most fashionable fabric ever (a highly unlikely phenomenon) I am quite enjoying my resolution making and am deciding what to resolve next when I notice Az and Raghav holding hands and smiling at each other. In that moment I know what my biggest resolve should be. -I will never have feelings for my best friend's boyfriend. Or for any friend's boyfriend, for that matter. That's four resolutions down. Six more to go? Why not? It is 2012, after all. If the world really does end this year, at least I'll go down knowing I completed ten resolutions. I don't need to look too far to find my next resolution. Standing a few centimetres away, looking extremely uncomfortable as Rags and Az get more oblivious of his existence, is Deepak. -I will never stay in a relationship with someone I don't love, I vow. Looking for inspiration for my next five resolutions, I try to observe everyone in the room. What catches my eye next is my cousin Mishka giggling uncontrollably while failing miserably at walking in a straight line. Why do people get completely trashed in public? It's just so embarrassing and totally not worth it when you're nursing a hangover the next day. I recoil as memories of a not so long ago night come rushing back to me. I still don't know exactly what happened that night but the fragments that I do remember go something like this; dropping my Blackberry in the loo, picking it up and wiping it with my new Mango dress, falling flat on my face in the middle of the club twice, breaking my Nine West heels, kissing an ugly stranger (Az insists he was a drug dealer but I think she just says that to freak me out) at the bar and throwing up on the Bandra-Worli sea link from Az's car. -I will never put myself in an embarrassing situation like that again. Ever. I usually vow to never drink so much when I'm lying in bed with a hangover the next day (just like 99% of the world) but this time I'm going to stick to my resolution. What should my next resolution be?