Uncoupling is a dramatic life event, whose importance is reflected in the eagerness of people to discuss their relationships even years later. Indeed, in attempting to put the story in chronological order, there was no one who was not visited again by sorrow and loss in the telling of it, regardless of the passage of time.
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APADiane Vaughan Quotes. (n.d.). Jar of Quotes. Retrieved , from JarofQuotes.com Web site: https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=uncoupling-is-dramatic-life-event-whose-importance-is-reflected-in-eagerness-people-to-discuss-their-relationships-even-years-later-indeed-in-attempting-to-put-story-in-chronolog
ChicagoDiane Vaughan Quotes. Jar of Quotes, 2019. https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=uncoupling-is-dramatic-life-event-whose-importance-is-reflected-in-eagerness-people-to-discuss-their-relationships-even-years-later-indeed-in-attempting-to-put-story-in-chronolog, accessed .
MLA"Diane Vaughan Quotes." Jar of Quotes, 2019. . https://www.jarofquotes.com/view.php?id=uncoupling-is-dramatic-life-event-whose-importance-is-reflected-in-eagerness-people-to-discuss-their-relationships-even-years-later-indeed-in-attempting-to-put-story-in-chronolog
My concern always has been with how-not why-people make transitions out of relationships. Many times the people I talked to did not understand why themselves. Even when they thought they knew, the reasons changed, so that what seemed to explain it at one time often did not seem important six months later.
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Uncoupling is primarily a tale of two transitions: one that begins before the other. Most often, one person wants out while the other person wants the relationship to continue. Although both partners must go through all the same stages of the transition in order to uncouple, the transition begins and ends at different times for each. By the time the still-loving partner realizes the relationship is in serious trouble, the other person is already gone in a number of ways. The rejected partner then embarks on a transition that the other person began long before.
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We just remained very calm and for the first time talked about separating. We spent like a month and a half together after that, and then moved out simultaneously from the apartment to different places on the same day. We even said, look, you know, you're not going to leave me, I'm not going to leave you. we'll just move out on the same day. It was apparent that we were both ready to do this. When the time came I helped her move some of her things and she helped me move some of my things. The feeling between us was almost like lovers who for some reason had to leave each other. The night that we said goodbye-it was like 11 o'clock and the house was empty. Everything had been put into trucks and moved and so forth and we were in the house and there was no place else to go and so we sat down on the floor and laying down on the floor in our overcoats and I held her and we both cried and it was just heartrending and then we just separated and that was pretty much it. [SUPERVISOR, AGE 38, DIVORCED AFTER 19 YEARS]
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Then I didn't think much about it, I just did it. I started wearing some of the things he left behind, especially his bathrobe, some shirts too, but only in the house. I read his books, I am embarrassed at this. I also did some things to the place I knew he would like. He always complained about my plants, so I got rid of them. It seems strange to think about it now, but at the time I found some comfort in it. [ACCOUNTANT, AGE 38, SEPARATED AFTER LIVING TOGETHER 13 YEARS]
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I knew that I was in better shape than she was because I was the one who pushed for the split. Still, even a year later I was still very vulnerable to her actions. If I saw her at the supermarket, or someone brought her name up, or if she called about something, which she seemed to do pretty often-like she was trying to find stuff to talk to me about, did I see the exhibit, so-and-so called, the dog got sick, you know-I was always upset by it, by talking to her, being reminded of her. I just wanted it to be over and it just took a long time for that to happen, for that connection to be broken. [DENTAL ASSISTANT, AGE 27, SEPARATED AFTER LIVING TOGETHER 3 YEARS]
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Mourning is essential to uncoupling, as it is to any significant leavetaking. Uncoupling is a transition into a different lifestyle, a change of life course which, whether we recognize and admit it in the early phases or not, is going to be made without the other person. We commit ourselves to relationships expecting them to last, however. In leaving behind a significant person who shares a portion of our life, we experience a loss.
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